Temporary Bliss
by xxlovely
Summary: "I cant keep sleeping in your bed, If you keep messing with my head. I cant keep feeling love like this, its not worth temporary bliss" DARVEY (no longer just a oneshot)
1. Chapter 1

_Tell me what's the point of doing this every night?  
What you're giving me  
Is nothing but a heartless lullaby  
Gonna kill my dreams, oh  
This is the last time  
Baby make up your mind_

_'Cause I can't keep sleeping in your bed  
If you keep messing with my head  
Before I slip under your sheets  
Can you give me something, please?  
I can't keep touching you like this  
If its just temporary bliss  
Just temporary bliss_

_-Temporary Bliss, The Cab._

* * *

She adjusted her dress, inwardly grimacing at just how short it was. She wasn't in her twenties anymore, she was on the wrong side of thirty-five, and even though she knew she had legs that could kill, no amount of red wine could provide her with enough Dutch courage to feel at all comfortable right now. But this wasn't about her, this is what he wanted, what he specifically asked for when he cornered her in the filing room earlier that day, pushing her against the copier machine, to whisper lowly in her ear.

_I want to see you in something short, something sexy_

Her eyes closed at the memory of his voice, at the feeling of his warm breath hitting her skin, leaving a trail of goose bumps in its wake. She hated the affect he had on her, she had wondered several times why she didn't put her foot down, put and end to this 'situation', but the truth was, she just couldn't. She couldn't tell you how it started, but she could tell you when, she remembered that fateful night all too well. It wasn't their first time, they had visited the idea of being something more years prior, when they were both young and full of aspirations and big ideas, they thought they could handle it, they were wrong.

The awkward morning after the night before, the empty bed she woke up to, the marks across her skin, proof of his presence the night before, evidence of his domination. She remembers the warm tears that fell from her eyes as she sat on an unoccupied stool in the ladies bathroom of the DA's office later on that day, she felt embarrassed, she felt stupid. She knew Harvey Specter was a ladies man, hell; everyone knew that Harvey Specter was a ladies man; it was a frequent topic of conversation around the office, and an unwanted sight out of the office. She knew the score, he didn't do commitment, he was more of a 'one time thing' fan, she just thought that perhaps, she would be different.

She wasn't. She finally experienced first hand what it was like to be dropped by Harvey Specter, yet unlike every other girl who could go and mourn the loss of the best sex they ever had, she had to face him, day after day, plastering her best fake smile on her face, acting as if she wasn't falling apart inside.

Truth be told, that night opened a can of emotional worms that Donna had been unable to contain ever since. She had tried, but every man that came into her life since, was also measured up against him, the unrealistic expectations she had of Harvey, meant that no one ever stood a chance.

A small smile spread across her lips as the memory of _that day_ filled her mind, the day that she thought that perhaps Harvey had finally caught up and realized what was in front of him all this time, the day that she would finally get what she had dreamed about for the last 7 years. At the time, she didn't understand where this side of him had come from, what happened to him, to the two of them, to make him reevaluate what they were to one another. But now she knows, well, she is almost certain, that he simply wanted someone to fill the lonely nights, someone to satisfy him without having to worry about the messy aftermath.

He had the best of both worlds; the most incredible executive assistant any professional could ever ask for, and a firecracker in the bedroom, who would turn up with a minutes notice, no strings or emotions attached.

She knew that day, that she lost a part of her, a part of her pride and dignity that she had had a tight hold onto since her teenage years, but she didn't care, not as much as she wished she had. She used to laugh, pity the girls who gave up a part of their identity to suit the needs of a man, especially when it was evident that they were being used. She never understood why anyone would expose themselves to that pain and emotional torture…she never understood until Harvey. She had become a hypocrite to everything she believed in, and she knew she had no intention of changing that, she thought he was worth it.

She raised her hand to the door, letting her knuckles tap lightly against the wood, the usual wave of déjà vu washing over her. She had been here so many times before, been in this same scenario more times than she could count, yet the butterflies that erupted in the pit of her stomach would make you think this was her first visit. She ran her tongue over her lips as she heard footsteps from the other side of the wall, the sound of the chains of his locks being undone as she came face to face with the man that had been the root of her emotional turmoil for a large chunk of her adult life. She must of seen his face a million times over the years, but it still managed to knock the wind right out of her, for a breath to get caught in her throat.

She bit her lip as he narrowed his eyes, his gaze raking up and down her body, almost scrutinizing every inch of her. Her anxiety grew with every passing second filled with silence, making her feel even more stupid for listening to his ridiculous request, she was convinced she looked more like a hooker than anything remotely sexy.

"Hi" he breathed, his voice low, his expression firm as usual, his lips twitching into what many would ignore, but she knew was a smile.

"Hi"

He opened the door further as she slipped past him, his eyes following her every movement appreciatively as she slipped her coat off her shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. She noticed the Chinese cartons on his coffee table, a frown forming on her lips, although he couldn't see it. It had been so long since she had been to his place without the intention of hooking up. She wondered what it would be like to receive a call from Harvey, a call just to hang out, to watch a movie, eat some Chinese, and talk about the weather. She body tensed momentarily as he wrapped his arms around her, letting his chin rest on her shoulder, his eyes shamefully looking down her cleavage.

She bit her lip as his head readjusted, his lips coming into contact with the exposed skin on her neck, planting a trail of open mouth kisses from her neck to her shoulder, his fingers slipping under the straps of her dress, pushing them off. Her head rolled back, her mouth falling open as her eyes closed, unable to hide the affect he was having on her. His fingers blindly located the zip on the back of her dress and she couldn't help but think that Harvey was a little desperate than usual. He turned her around, his eyes full of lust as the dress pooled at her feet, leaving her at a disadvantage in comparison to Harvey who was still fully clothed.

"Holy shit, Donna" he muttered, unable to drag his eyes away from her underwear clad body, a small smirk playing on her lips, happy that he wasn't the only one that could make someone get hot under the collar. Her fingers played with the hem of his shirt as his expression mirrored hers, only a little more arrogant. He ripped the shirt off his body, raising an eyebrow as her hands instantly found their way to his abs, her fingers tracing the contours of his muscles, loving how they felt under her touch. He was growing more and more impatient as he grabbed her waist, picking her up as she instinctively wrapped her legs around his hips, stumbling towards the bedroom.

A giggle escaped her lips as he threw her on the bed, her body bouncing against the mattress, his body hovering over hers. He leant down, capturing her lips with his as she stumbled with this belt, wondering why he had to wear one, why he felt the need to add yet another obstacle to the ultimate goal. She hooked her fingers under the waistband of his jeans as she smiled mischievously against his lips, pulling the material down with one tug. She grabbed his shoulders, flipping him over as she climb on top, straddling his waist. She didn't have much control left in her life, she thought, but she sure as hell was going to take control now.

* * *

The pair of them collapsed against the mattress, the sheets beneath them sticking to their sweat clad bodies as their chests heaved for air. She picked up the strands of hair stuck to her face as she looked at Harvey, who was staring at the ceiling, the same usual goofy smile on his face.

"That was…" he started, shaking his head.

"Amazing?" She finished his sentence "You say it like you're surprised." It was always good between them, hell, it was always mind-blowing between them, but every time he still made a comment, a comment that made her heart flutter just a little. He fidgeted until he grabbed a handful of covers, pulling it over the pair of them. He turned towards the center of the bed as she did the same, their eyes locking. He couldn't help but think about how beautiful she looked, he always thought she was attractive, but she was breathtaking wearing nothing but his cotton sheet and a smile.

"Can we cuddle?" he asked as she laughed, covering her face with her hand, she always found it amusing when he asked that question. This was Harvey Specter, hard ass lawyer, full time asshole; it seems almost unnatural for him to be a cuddler. He smiled as she nodded, his arm draping over her waist as he pulled her closer, her head resting on his chest. She rolled her eyes as she heard soft snores escape his lips, finding it hard to believe someone can fall asleep that quickly, even if they had an intense work out.

* * *

She stared at the ceiling for hours, her eyes open wide, every blink washing away another tear she was unable to control. She lay silently, still, all her remaining energy fighting the urge to let her emotions overcome her, knowing that the slightest sob would wake him instantly. Her body ached, in the best possible way, but the underlying dull pain she felt in her heart was impossible to ignore. How much longer could she go on like this?

She looked at the man sound asleep beside her with a sad smile, wondering where she went wrong in life. She had a plan, like most girls did as they were growing up, she was going to get married and have a family. She was going to have the white picket fences and be a soccer mom, and grow old next to a man who loved her every fiber. But the clock was ticking, each day that passed, picked away at her chances of fulfilling those childhood dreams. She wasn't getting any younger, but here she was, casually sleeping with her boss.

She quietly rolled over, letting her legs swing off the bed as the soles of her feet came in contact with the cold wooden floor. Searching through the darkness she searched blindly for her clothes, feeling exposed and ashamed. Putting on the clothes that were ripped off her body only hours earlier flooded her brain with flashbacks of the two of them, sending an involuntary tingle from the top of her head to the tip of her toes.

She cursed out loud as she stubbed her toe against the door, a shot of pain soaring through her food as she screwed up her face in pain, her toe throbbing.

"Donna?" she closed her eyes and pursed her lips at the sound of her name escaping his lips, his voice confused, and heavy with sleep. She stood in the doorway of his bedroom, the dim lighting from the living room, illuminating her silhouette as he stared at her through half opened eyes. She didn't move as he threw the covers off his body, quickly slipping on the pair of boxers that lay on the wooden floor next to him. She jumped as his fingers touched her hand, gently wrapping themselves around her wrist, pulling her towards him. She spun around, mentally cursing herself for not being quieter; she didn't want him to see her like this. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry, knowing he was the reason. Even in the poor lighting, he could see her tear stained cheeks, he could see her bottom lip quivering, her eyes fixed on the floor, refusing to look him.

He didn't understand. Perhaps he was still too asleep to comprehend whatever the hell was happening, he knew Donna better than she knew herself, and he'd never seen her cry, they both believed crying was a sign of weakness. "Donna…" he repeated, his voice soft, concerned as his spare hand worked its way to her face, wiping away the salty tears cascading down her cheeks. She looked at him, her eyes begging him to just let her go, to let her leave, but she knew Harvey never liked taking order's even if they were silent ones.

She snatched her hand away from his grasp, her shaky legs hurriedly making their way to the front door "Donna, what's going on?" Still, silence. He was getting irritated, frustrated that something was happening here and he was being kept out of the loop, he was at a disadvantage. "Donna!" he raised his voice, his voice firm, causing Donna to still, her body shaking as she stood with her back to the man. Her chin fell to her chest as she gave in, a sob escaping her lips as she held onto the table for balance, scared that her legs were about to give way under her.

He rushed towards her, wrapping his muscular arms around her shaky frame, as he silently held on to her as she sobbed. He didn't know what to do, he didn't know what to say, but he knew in the pit of his stomach that he was no doubt the cause.

Had he hurt her? Had he accidentally overstepped the mark at some point, he didn't know, he didn't know if he wanted to know.

"Shhh" he cooed, nestling his face in to her hair, inhaling the scent of her signature vanilla shampoo, a smell that he secretly loved. The gesture made her cry harder, her mind spitefully letting her imagine what it would be like to be in this embrace under different circumstances, to be held on to for dear life because the other person was too afraid to let you go.

Who was she? Who had Donna Paulsen become? This wasn't her, this wasn't the feisty redhead that everybody loved but was simultaneously intimidated by, this wasn't the unstoppable force that many aspired to be. Here stood a woman, broken by a man who didn't love her. Her greatest achievement in life was being her, she knew that people admired her, worshipped her crazy 'Donna skills', she had worked all her life to perfect art of being Donna. She knew that if those same people saw her now, they would shake their heads, try to disguise their judgmental, pitiful glares, she knew, because she would have done the same.

Her tears came to a sudden halt, a wave of determination washing over her as her hands found their way to Harvey's chest, pushing him away with more strength than she thought capable. He stumbled on his feet, his eyes widening, eyebrows furrowing. "What the fuck, Donna."

She sniffled, wiping the tears harshly away from her eyes with the back of her hands as she huffed out a breath. She stood tall, proud of what she was about to do.

Terrified of what she was about to do.

"What is going on? Its late Donna, come back to bed." He yawned, blinking several times.

She scoffed out a laugh, shaking her head "No."

"No?" he repeated her response, a word that he was not used to hearing.

"I'm not coming back to bed. In fact, I wont be coming back to bed with you ever again."

He took a step forward, his mouth open slightly as he struggled to formulate a response "Where…where is this coming from?"

"This" she signaled between the two of them "I cant do this any more." She shrugged, giving him a sad smile.

"Do what?" He was pretty sure he knew the answer, but he wanted clarification, for all he knew, she could be walking out of his life completely.

"Whatever the fuck this is Harvey!" she exclaimed, raising her voice in frustration as she pulled at her hair. She fell silent for a few seconds, running her hands over her face as she thought of her next move, biding her time, it wasn't too late to stop this, to just pretend that this outburst never happened, to crawl back into bed and into his arms.

"Donna…"

"What am I to you?" She interrupted "what is this arrangement to you?"

He knew exactly what it was, he had from day one. Perhaps it wasn't the most conventional method, but it was the only way he knew how. Harvey Specter was good at closing, he's the best closer that New York City has ever seen, so it's only natural that that also applies to women. He didn't know how to tell her, hell, he'd never even tried. Ten years he'd known her, and he'd always known, but he was too scared to vocalize it, at the risk of ruining what they had, of hurting her feelings. She never objected to the arrangement, they both got what they wanted, even if they had to pretend most of the time. It was clear that one wrong word could destroy their dynamic, a dynamic that has been a ticking time bomb ever since he made that bold move to reestablish the boundaries of what they were. He stayed silent, for longer than he knew he should have, her face told him that, her lip was quivering again, her head slowly nodding.

"Shall I tell you what it all means to me?" she asked emotionlessly, he nodded not knowing what else to do.

"I feel empty, all the time. I look at myself in the mirror, and I don't recognize the person staring back at me. I live on autopilot a lot of the time, because If I let myself actually feel anything, I'd probably spend the entire day eating ice cream and watching Bridget Jones' diary." She threw her hands up into the air, laughing again. "You see, my biggest regret in life was getting into bed with you."

His face fell as he adverted his gaze to the wall, unable to determine how he felt about the words being said, a dull pain rising in his chest.

"We were good Harvey, we were _great_ before we complicated everything with sex. You know, I once told Mike that having feelings for someone in the office is common, but feelings can be compartmentalized, and can eventually go away. He _believed _me. The kid came to me for help, and I lied to him, right to his face. Because the truth is sometimes feelings don't just go away, they get worse until you find it hard to breathe without the other person." She stared at him, she had no idea where this confidence was coming from, but she wasn't going to question it at the risk of crumbling again. "You get desperate, and you find yourself doing things you judged others on, like agreeing to a friends with benefits situation, because you think that if you dream hard enough, you will eventually get what you want. And after all, having someone in that capacity, is better than not having them at all, right?"

"What are you trying to say?" He asked, still keeping his distance, his heart thudding in his chest.

"I am in love with you Harvey." She stated, throwing her arms open "I am so head over heels, slit my wrists, in love with you that I'm pretty sure I'm borderline insane. For _eight years_ I've been in love with you, and every day I've put myself through unnecessary pain because I hang on to a slither of hope. I thought that perhaps when we started sleeping together againthat it would turn into something more, but if anything you've just been using me for sex, and I've been using you as the main character in my deluded fairytale"

"Donna…I"

"I need to move on Harvey, I need to get over you. I can't keep sleeping in your bed, whilst you're messing with my head. I can't keep feeling a love like this, it's just not worth the temporary bliss."

He darted towards the door as her hand gripped the handle, pulling the door open. He blocked her exit, staring down at her with eyes full of an emotion she had never seen in him before. He leant down, desperate to capture her lips with his, desperate to stop her from leaving him. She turned her head away, as he grabbed her cheek, moving her head towards him, crashing his lips against hers, backing her into the doorframe. Her body tensed up at the contact, the tears threatening to spill from her eyes once more as she felt herself falling under his spell again. He pulled away slightly, their faces only far enough apart for him to look at her, desperate to see if she had changed her mind, but all he saw where tears streaming from the most beautiful bloodshot eyes.

"Please, Donna" he whispered, his body still pushed against hers "please, doesn't leave me."

She stared at him, trying to read him, but she couldn't trust herself, what if she thought she saw something that wasn't real? She ducked her head away from him, wiggling out of his grip as she gently pushed him away "Goodnight Harvey"

* * *

_I can't keep sleeping in your bed  
If you keep messing with my head  
I can't keep feeling love like this  
Its not worth temporary bliss_

* * *

He let the palm of his hand slap against the wood as the door slammed closed behind her, shaking on its hinges, her words still echoing against the four walls. He sighed, "I love you."

* * *

**Okay I'm not entirely sure what's wrong with me today, I gave you an update of CTBOP 24 hours ago, I gave you the prologue of my new fic a few hours ago and now I'm giving you a one shot. Ooops. Show your love and appreciation; you know how much I like it. This in particular means quite a lot to me, let's just say writing it came quite easily to me.**

**If you haven't heard this song, please check it out, I love the Cab.**_  
_


	2. Chapter 2

He couldn't tell you how long he had been sitting there, staring at the door, the image of her walking out on him, replaying over and over in his mind, like a video that he couldn't pause. The only words that had escaped his now dry lips since she'd left were those three simple words, those three words that had been hiding in the back of his mind for so long.

_I love you_

And he did. He always had, and for the longest time, he didn't even know it. Harvey was never one to commit, he was scared, scared that history would repeat itself like it did with his mother and father. He was scared that if he let someone look after his heart, that somewhere down the line they would trample all over it, and leave it for dead. Instead he had filled the void with work and endless hook ups with nameless women, quietly convincing himself that that was all he needed. But that didn't mean that he wouldn't feel his stomach twitch in jealousy as he walked past an attractive couple in the street pushing a stroller, or whist running in the park, passing a father and son playing football. He had always secretly thought that he would make a good father that he could give a child the sort of upbringing that his father gave him, only with a little more luxury.

But conventionally you needed a mother for all of that to happen, and time was ticking by at an alarming rate. He had hit 40 last month and here he was, still as emotionally stunted and alone as he was in his early twenties. Over the years, these fleeting fantasies of his always had a faceless female, acting as the missing piece of the family puzzle, yet over recent time that blurred face had sharpened into the image of the most exquisite female he had ever seen.

Donna.

After all, she was the only woman in his life that he could tolerate for an extended length of time. Hell, she was the most important woman in his life, period. He just had a fucked up way of showing it.

A really fucked up way, he thought.

The realisation hit him seconds after she left, he had played with her heart for years, used her for his own professional and personal gain, whilst she gave up on accomplishing dreams of her own. He had been a lousy friend, and an even lousier person the moment he left her alone in bed after their first time. Times that by a million, and then that would adequately highlight how lousy he was when he propositioned her with casual sex.

He had to do something to rectify the situation, that much he knew, but what that was exactly, was any bodies guess.

He rubbed his bloodshot eyes, adjusting his Tom Ford suit as his legs carried him down the familiar hallway towards his glass sanctuary, his office. He couldn't wait to lock himself away and throw himself into cases that would test his brain beyond the capacity of 99% of the population. It was universally known that if Harvey Specter needed a distraction, work would always be his first call, scotch, would be his second.

In fact, a glass of scotch sounded like a pretty fantastic idea, he thought. After all, it was midday somewhere in the world.

His stomach flipped uneasily as he caught sight of her auburn mane, her back to him as she busily tapped away at her computer. He gulped harshly, looking around, mentally wishing that Mike would pop out of nowhere and drag him to an impromptu meeting or just anywhere to avoid walking past her. But as per usual, Mike was never there when Harvey needed him the most, _damn kid_.

She looked up at him as he walked past, her body tensing, her hand flying to her neck as she quickly looked back at her computer, tension thick in the air as both of them had so many things they wanted to say, but couldn't. The frown on his face was evident as she ignored him, the absence of her usually sarcastic and witty comments only making him feel worse.

She lowered her hand from her neck slowly as he entered his office, embarrassed of the large mark on her skin, a mark Harvey had left on her neck only hours before. She watched discretely out of the corner of her eye as he picked up the white envelope placed on his desk, his eyes scanning the paper, widening with each word he read. Her heart was racing in her chest at a million beats per second, scared of Harvey's inevitable reaction. She thought that perhaps she should have broken the news to him in person, but the letter was a fair compromise between that and just never showing up to the office again. But instead he slowly folded the paper and placed it in his jacket pocket, his feet slowly taking him to the window, his eyes scanning the majestic New York City skyline.

She was waiting, expecting him to lose it, to shout, throw something, just get…angry. She wanted that reaction, not…this.

Harvey looked out at the City, hiding his face from her, knowing that she would be watching him, after all, how could she not? He blinked several times, trying to bat away the blurred vision that had suddenly overcome him. She was leaving him. It had been a thought that automatically occurred to him when she walked out of his condo, but it had also been a permanent thought in the forefront of his mind since the day he met her.

She was leaving him.

His hands balled into fists as anger bubbled up inside of him, working its way up his body, causing him to become increasingly irrational. He had lost her once, when Daniel Hardman pinned that memo ordeal on her, and he could honestly say it was one of the darkest times in his adult life, a time he never wanted to revisit. He looked towards the decanter on his desk, grabbing a crystal tumbler as he poured himself a generous serving of the $12,000 scotch. Taking a large swig he looked at himself in the reflection of the window, staring at his tired, aging features, wondering when he was going to stop this self-destructive phase he'd been stuck in for years.

"You shouldn't be drinking at 9 in the morning," her voice echoed through the intercom as he felt his body tense, his eyes rolling at her tone. Her tone was soft, and concerned, but to him, it was patronising and provocative. He didn't turn around, he didn't flinch, he just finished his drink, not giving a shit that in ten minutes his first client was due to walk through his office doors. Slamming the glass down on the windowsill he fixed his tie, buttoned up his jacket, and grabbed the case file on his desk, determinedly flicking through page after page, hoping that it looked like he had his shit together, because inside, he had no fucking clue what to do next.

His meeting with the CEO of Harding investment was a blur, in fact he was almost grateful that Mike was sitting beside him busily taking notes and asking questions because god knows he wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention. He found his gaze drifting off towards the cubicle on the other side of the glass door, watching her every move, savouring every movement, fearful that it was all going to end too quickly. She was a sight he was used to, that he took for granted. The beautiful woman on the other side of the glass panel had been a permanent fixture in his working world since his time in the DA's office, she was just as responsible for all of his success as he was, if not more. She was the glue that held him together when he didn't realise he was falling apart, she was 'the fixer', nothing was impossible for Donna Paulsen.

Which in turn meant that nothing was impossible for Harvey Specter. She was his biggest asset, his lucky charm, and he knew even back then, that he couldn't afford to let her go.

New York City is without a doubt the most wonderful city in the world, so diverse, so rich in culture whilst simultaneously appearing to be so inclusive and accepting. But in a City of 8 million, Harvey had felt practically alone. He had no friends; everyone was merely an acquaintance, a client, a problem that needed to be resolved. But Donna changed all of that. Her feisty personality, with an attitude that would make anyone think twice before crossing her, intrigued Harvey and before they knew it, they were practically inseparable. She was the only one that could put him in his place, and he was the only one that would have the balls to disagree with the red head when she was clearly in the wrong (and the right). Everything about her was attractive to him; she was beautiful, smart, funny and took no crap from anyone.

He wanted her. It had been a thought circulating this brain for months after they first met, he was desperate to throw her onto his bed and have his way with her, but she had a rule. She didn't get involved with people she worked with. It was a logical rule, it avoided awkward working situations, emotions complicating professional relations, it just avoided messiness. It frustrated him, hell, it frustrated him so much be was having a daily cold shower just to wash off the frustration Donna caused, but he respected her wishes. He was a gentleman; he wasn't going to push a situation that had no room for progression.

But one day that changed. He had received a phone call from Jessica, offering him a position at Pearson Hardman, a career move that he had been so desperate to get his hands on, he wasn't much of a prosecutor. He remembers Donna's face when he broke the news to her, as far as she was concerned, he was leaving her, it would inevitably spell the end of their relationship. She didn't want to lose him, she couldn't, she had grown far too attached and as much as she didn't want to admit it, she liked having him around.

So she broke her rule. If she wasn't going to be working with him in a professional capacity anymore, then what was the harm of trying to explore the possibility of being in each other's lives romantically? She had teased at the prospect of the two of them sleeping together in the past, flippantly saying that his world would be rocked if he ever had the opportunity of spending the night with her, she wasn't wrong. He was hooked. He remembers every second vividly; the way her body moved underneath him, the sounds that escaped her lips in the midst of pure pleasure, the sight of her face as she peacefully slept beside him. It terrified him how something suddenly shifted, how sex with Donna was unlike any other previous sexual encounter he'd had. So he ran, he left her alone, naked in bed, to wake up alone. As soon as the door shut behind him, he regretted leaving her, wishing that he could just creep back in and crawl under the covers, but he couldn't. He couldn't just knock on the door and ask to come back in, she'd know, and that would open a can of worms he was far too exhausted and confused to deal with.

Fast forward a few years and they were both happily settled at Pearson Hardman, the events of that one night suppressed in both of their minds as they lived their lives as if nothing happened. The rule had been broken, but as far as they were concerned, that day was erased from history. But it never truly left them, it was at the quietest part of the morning or the darkest part of the night that one of them would let their minds wonder back to that time, a small smile forming on their lips as the wonder 'what if'.

Harvey had found himself wondering 'what if' more and more frequently as time went on, until one drunken night it came to a head, and he found himself at her door, soaked by the pouring rain, an expensive bottle of red in one hand, a can of whipped cream in the other. She had looked at him as if he were crazy, tempted to just slam the door back in his face, and remind him of his drunken act at the office the next day, but for some unknown reason she didn't, instead she invited him in. It was just how both of them remembered, their bodies working against each other's in perfect sync, just as hungry and passionate as before. Harvey stayed that night, and the night after, until they would spend most nights together, tangled up in each other's arms, spent.

Neither of them questioned the arrangement, Harvey only verbalised it once, to clarify their status, friends with benefits. He tried to hide his disappointment as that response left her lips, but he didn't argue. Perhaps she would change her mind, he thought. Little did he know, she was hoping the same. They were destined for failure, both of them too stubborn to admit their feelings first, patiently waiting for the other to crack, and eventually one did.

Donna, last night.

He excused himself wordlessly as the meeting ended, wondering the corridors as he noticed Donna wasn't at her desk. She hadn't left already had she? He hadn't even had the chance to talk to her, to tell her his side of the story.

He stopped as he watched her standing at the coffee machine, laughing and joking with some of the associates, that breath taking smile that she often wore, back on her face, even though inside, she didn't feel like smiling at all. He was getting irritated, irritated that she was ignoring him, leaving him like this, and yet she could stand there with basically strangers and have a joke, as if nothing had happened. His breathing got shallow and laboured as he tried to control himself; clenching and unclenching his fists as he watched one of the male associates embrace her. She smiled politely, giving them a small wave as they left her, Harvey deliberating whether or not he should go up to her, catch her off guard and demand to know why she was leaving the firm.

He took a deep breath as he strode towards her, his feet heavy on the ground as she looked up, her eyes widening at the sight of him.

He grabbed her hand, roughly dragging her into the supply closet as he quickly shut it behind him, only fifty per cent sure no one had seen them. She exhaled deeply as her body collided with a stack of shelves, causing her to wince in pain at the contact. She moved away from the shelves only to be stopped by Harvey.

"You don't get to do this to me" he stated firmly, pinning her against the wall, his hands flat against the wall above her head. She narrowed her eyes at the man, his warm breath fanning across her face, threatening to throw her off her game.

"Last time I checked Harvey, I could do whatever the hell I want." She tried to sound confident, she tried to deliver her words with the usual sarcastic undertones everyone had grown to love, but he heard her voice crack ever so slightly.

"No" he pushed against her further, his body flush against hers, their faces centimetres apart "You don't get to do what you did last night and run off without hearing my side of the story. You don't get to ignore me, and you don't get to hand in your goddamn letter of resignation."

She scoffed "Wow" she blinked several times, letter her eyes go wide "it really is all about you isn't it? I must have missed the memo about how the earth stopped revolving around the sun and started revolving around you." She spat, angrily. She was irritated that he had caused a scene and dragged her into this dingy closet. She was frustrated that instead of being mad at him, all she could was think about jumping him right here and now in the supply closet.

"Shut up" he exclaimed loudly, causing her to recoil, gulping harshly. She could count on one hand the number of times Harvey had angrily raised his voice at her in all of their years of knowing one another, and each time was as upsetting as the next. He let his hands slide down the wall until they were by her waist, his eyes locked with hers, searching for any sign of emotion from her, any tell tail sign that behind the façade of anger, still laid the love she had professed hours ago. He pushed himself away from the wall, pacing the small space as he tried to figure out his next move. "You don't get to leave me," he pointed at her "You _cant_ leave me" his voice softened, his shoulders falling as a frown formed on his perfectly formed face.

She sighed, "It's time to start a new chapter". It was something she had been toying over for years, wondering that if she just left Pearson Specter, then perhaps her feelings for the named partner would in turn disappear. She had hoped that if she were to leave, the realisation would hit her that she was merely in love with the idea of Harvey Specter, rather than being in love with the man. But she had spent the rest of last night crying on the floor of her apartment, clutching on to an old t-shirt of his she had accidentally acquired some time ago, knowing that she was in so deep, that there was no way out. The thought of life without Harvey only made her sob harder until there were no tears left, her body just jerking as the silent cries escaped her full lips. She had remembered the words that her mother had said to her the first time she cried over a boy.

_I could tell you that crying over a boy is stupid, but it happens and it's going to hurt. You may cry over one, two, ten or even more boys until you find the right one. But life isn't easy, odds are, he'll make you cry too. Just make sure he's worth the tears._

To her, he was worth the tears. Despite the pain that she felt, the void in her chest, he had always been worth it. But there comes a point where hope and self-justification just isn't enough. She knew he she had to move on.

"You mean it's time to get away from me?" he asked defensively, feeling offended, rejected…hurt.

"What other option do I have Harvey? We fucked us up a long time ago, and for the longest time we've been pretending that everything was fine. It wasn't!" her eyes were glistening, emotions getting the better of her once again. "I cant…"she closed her eyes "I cant pretend anymore. I told you how I felt, how I feel, and you let me walk out the door."

"I tried to stop you!" he defended, and he did try, hell, how could she forget that?

"You'll find a new executive assistant Harvey, there must be hundreds of over qualified legal secretaries in the City who would bite their left arm off for a chance to work with you."

"But I want you."

"If there's one thing I've learnt Harvey, it's that you can't always have what you want." She placed her hands upon his chest and gently shoved him away, his hands instantly reaching out for her, wrapping themselves around her slim body, holding on to her tight.

"Donna" he whispered into her shoulder, clutching onto her for dear life "I can fix this, please let me fix this. I'll do whatever you want, you just name it, i'll do it. You want more money? I'll triple your salary. You want two weeks vacation in the Bahamas? I'll book you on the next flight out of JFK."

She laughed, shaking her head in disbelief causing him to free her from his embrace "This is the problem Harvey" she pointed out "your idea of fixing things, is throwing money at the situation. You're trying to pay me into staying, instead of addressing the reason as to why I want to leave in the first place"

"What do you want me to say?" he asked, almost pleading, desperate for her to give him the answers he needed.

"I want you to be honest with yourself. I want you to be okay with this, I want you to let me go. You need to let me move on, Harvey"

"I don't want to let you go" he said almost inaudibly, leaning against the door as he shoved his hands into his pockets. "You're important to me." He cursed himself at his choice of words, wishing he could pluck up the courage to just come out with what he really wanted to say.

"I'm important to you?"

"Yes."

"For a man that uses his words for a living, you would have thought you would be able to come out with something a little better than that, Harvey" She shrugged as she grabbed the handle of the door, opening it wordlessly as she tried to walk away.

"You have to believe me" his shoulders dropped as he quietly begged, grabbing her shoulder to stop her "Donna, don't you dare walk away from me."

She stopped and turned around, flipping her perfectly curled auburn hair over her shoulder "I'd like to Harvey, but the truth is I don't."

He took a step towards her, confusion etched on his face, he had professed his feelings for her, he had taken the plunge. "Why wont you believe me?"

"Because" she started, signalling between the two of them "this isn't you. You're Harvey goddamn Specter, you can have whatever you want in life. But the things you really want or believe in, you fight for. There's no fight here Harvey. All I see is a deflated, stuttering man in an expensive suit scared to lose the best goddamn thing that's ever happened to him, and he doesn't fully understand why."

He ran this fingers through his hair, tugging at the ends, letting the sharp pain sooth him. "Donna" He breathed "I…I care about you, Okay? I _need_ you in my life." Care? _Care? _He wanted to retract those words, and say the words he was so close to telling her last night, but before he could, he was interrupted.

"Why Harvey, why do you _need _me in your life?" She asked, wondering if he could admit to himself and her, his true feelings. He opened and closed his mouth several times, trying to formulate a response, there were just too many things he wanted to say, and he didn't have a clue how to verbalise them.

She shook her head, stepping towards Harvey as she got up on to her tiptoes, placing a lingering kiss on his cheek, an involuntary shiver running down his spine. She gave him a sad smile "I guess there's some things that not even you can close."

**I'm not quite sure why I'm posting it, I havent read it through and I'm not happy with it but I didn't want to leave you waiting ages before you had something from me. I wont be updating anything until Friday at the earliest, probably Saturday. A very special someone to me, passed away yesterday and I'm going to take a few days to sort things out, and 'get my shit together' as Harvey would say.**

**You know the drill, let me know your thoughts. Check out CTBOP and Maps, tell me your thoughts on those too. **

**There's one more part to this, so get reviewing.**

**Check my profile for updates. and if you wanna get up to date with my life, my insta is 'leftmyheartinsanfrancisco'**

**And I'll see you guys soon. x**


	3. Chapter 3

He had let her go. He watched her walk away, slowly and deliberately, knowing that she would hope he'd stop her, but he didn't. He was used to situations ending like this and normally he'd suck it up and move on, but this time, he wasn't quite sure if he knew how. Harvey was known for fighting till the bitter end when it came to work, or something he believed in, yet when it came to his heart…well, that was anyone's guess. Perhaps he wasn't worthy of love, or maybe he just didn't believe he needed someone to be content with life, how wrong he was.

Three excruciatingly long weeks had passed since she packed up her belongings in a cliché cardboard box and left the confines of Pearson Specter, along with the last decade of her life. She had put that chapter of her life to rest, and where she should have been excited to start the next one, she couldn't help but wonder if she could have just survived being Harvey's dirty little secret.

She had lost a larger chunk of her identity than she thought she would, the day she left Pearson Specter, she wasn't _Donna_ anymore. The exterior still looked as fabulous as always, but the spark, that feisty red head that everyone loved and feared was no more. No one understood her mannerisms, her quirks, her skills, not like Harvey did. Not like Louis, Mike and Jessica did. Smith and Pierce was a great law firm and she was beyond lucky to get a job there, let alone the signing up bonus, but she missed the grey walls of her cubicle, she missed looking up and staring at the perfectly imperfect man who for a decade had only been a stone throw away. She missed the sense of security, the sense of comfort she had always felt, knowing that Harvey was never too far away. She missed having someone look out for her, even If it wasn't in the most conventional sense.

As for Harvey…well, he was just lost. His wins didn't feel as great, and his losses only felt worse, hell, he had even lost the will to throw sarcastic and insulting comments at Louis. He often found himself staying at the office until the early hours, slaving away, even working pro bono cases just to keep his mind off of her, but tonight, he had other plans.

He had spent the entire day staring at her cubicle, now occupied by some mindless graduate who was probably more than capable of doing the job in hand, but to Harvey, was beyond useless. He had just lost a big case, his first big loss in years and all he wanted was to see her. The words he had bravely admitted a couple of years ago when Donna was fired from the firm over the Hardman memo scandal were now painfully true to him.

He needed her.

He had no idea how to be 'the lawyer' without her.

Over the years she had given him so much more than he could ever imagine, or realize for that matter. She was just as responsible for his success as he was, Donna was his lucky charm.

He left the office early, painfully sober with the weight of the world on his shoulders as he walked through the streets of New York, over the Brooklyn Bridge, towards a place he knew all too well. The sidewalks were eerily quiet, the rain pouring as loud claps of thunder erupted through the sky, drenching the man to the core, no doubt causing some irreparable damage to his $12000 suit.

He ran his hands through his sodden hair, looking up at her apartment, noting that the lights were off and that realistically she was probably still at work, trying to make a good impression. Looking around, he mentally weighed up the odds of Donna returning home before he contracted hypothermia and died, deciding that it would all be worth it for the small chance that she would forgive him.

She let out a shaky breath as the taxi reached her road, her body desperate to relax after having an unnecessarily stressful day. That and the fact she was terrified of storms. The cab came to a halt outside her apartment as she searched through her purse for a twenty, dismissing the change as she quickly jumped out of the car, ready to run inside. That's when she saw him.

She sighed, as she rubbed her eyes tiredly, staring at the man sitting on her doorstep. "What are you doing here Harvey?"

She startled him, his head shooting up, meeting her gaze as he let a small smile spread across his lips. "Donna" her name escaped his lips in a whisper as he got to his feet, his body heavy from being drenched in water. His teeth chattered together as shivers racked through his body, his body numb from the cold.

She wanted to be mad but the sight of the man standing in front of her only made her concerned for his wellbeing. "Come on." She ushered him up the steps into her apartment building, mentally cursing herself for being so goddamn soft. She wordlessly let them into her apartment, as she raced in front of him towards the bedroom, grabbing a couple of towels and a blanket. She looked at him with a frown as she placed the pile of towels beside her, slowly walking towards the shivering lawyer as she slid her arms under his saturated jacket, sliding it off his shoulders. If he wasn't already frozen and shivering uncontrollably, he was sure his skin would have erupted in goose bumps under her touch, his mind reeling as she slowly undressed him.

His eyes never once left her face as she grabbed a towel, gently drying off his exposed skin, working her way up his torso before ruffling his hair with the white towel.

"There" she announced quietly as wrapped the blanket around his shoulders, his body slowly adjusting to the temperature change. He sat down on the edge of her sofa as she sat opposite, her gaze burning into him as she tried to figure out what he was doing here. "What are you doing here Harvey? You could have caught your death out there. Then who would be the best closer in New York City?" a small sad smile played on her lips, her mind involuntarily reliving the memory of when he had first called himself that, many years ago.

"I came here because I missed you" he stated simply through chattering teeth "because I miss you."

"Harvey-" she shook her head, not wanting to get into this again, not wanting to reopen freshly healed wounds. She just wanted to curl up in bed and sleep for a year, she didn't have the energy to be dragged through an emotional assault course right now.

"No Donna, it's my turn to talk, please just let me say what I've got to say, then you can throw me out onto the curb. Please."

She wanted to be strong and say no but Harvey Specter would always be her one true weakness, she nodded. "Fine"

He got up, feeling slightly awkward that he was simply standing in front of her in his boxers and a large blanket, not quite the manly impression he had initially hoped for, but was thankful nevertheless. "You said that your biggest regret in life was getting into bed with me?" he asked as she nodded silently "Well it was mine too." She felt her bottom lip already begin to quiver, of course Harvey wasn't capable of being anything other than a complete asshole. "Because it fucked us up, because I fucked us up."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you think that I don't know what I did to us when I left you in bed alone after _that night?_ Or what I put you through for years?" he sighed, rubbing his temples "I was a dick, Donna. All this time I've hurt you because I was too scared."

She starred at the floor, too afraid to look at him "I've known you for years Harvey and you've never been scared, it's not in your vocabulary."

He scoffed out a laugh as he continued to pace the length of the room "Then I'm clearly inline for an Oscar, because this" he pointed at himself "is all an act." He sighed "Do you want to know why I left you that night? Because I was scared, scared that you would wake up and regret it, and scared of what I felt. You must have known how into you I was back when we were working in the DA's office."

"No!" she exclaimed incredulously, eyes widening.

"Oh c'mon Donna, I asked you out at least three times a week."

"Oh" she whispered, "I just thought..."

"You thought that I was trying to get you into bed like every other nameless girl?" he finished her sentence off for him, unable to hide the disappointment in his voice. Harvey Specter had a past, he wasn't about to deny that, but he hated how Donna's opinion of him had been lowered because of the promiscuous assumptions she had of him.

"Well yeah" she half shrugged "weren't you?"

"When you put it like that, then yeah. But I didn't just want a one night stand with you, I wanted to give us a go."

She was confused; nothing he was saying made any sense. "If you felt that way why did you run away in the middle of the night? Why did you act like nothing happened for years?"

"Because I came to the conclusion that I couldn't live my life without you." He took a step towards her as she poked her tear ducts with her thumb and index finger trying to keep her emotions at bay. "I fuck things up Donna, everything and every one I've ever cared about leaves me due to a wrong doing on my part of some sorts. I'm selfish, I'm mean and I put work above everything else, I was destined to hurt you, to ruin anything we could potentially have. So I decided that I would rather have you by my side in a professional sense, as a friend, then not in my life at all."

She shook her head; as the anger bubbled towards the surface "No" she stated simply "I don't accept that." It was his turn to look confused "If you really thought that, you wouldn't have initiated this ridiculous arrangement between us, let alone continue it for all this time."

"I made a mistake Donna, but there was two of us in that file room, and there's been the two of us every night since." he let out a shaky breath, his body still ridiculously cold "so don't go and palm all the blame off on me. We used each other for our own selfish reasons, but it doesn't have to be like that anymore. I don't want it to be like that anymore." He took a few steps towards her as he wrapped his hands gently around her wrists, bringing her to her feet. She cursed as an involuntarily shiver ran down her spine at his touch, her body jerking in response. He let his grip loosen as he held her hands by her side. "I've spent years denying my feelings, hoping that if I buried them deep enough, they would disappear, but I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of seeing the woman i want to spend the rest of my life with become more and more like a stranger."

Silence fell between them as she searched his face for anything to give away what he was currently feeling "What are you trying to say Harvey?" she asked as a breath hitched in her throat, her heart racing at a million beats per second.

"I love you." He shook his head and shrugged as if his confession was the most obvious thing in the world. She had always dreamed about what it would feel like to be told those three words by Harvey Specter, the elation she would have felt, but this was nothing like she envisioned.

She wanted to pinch herself, to pinch him, to see if it was real. She wanted to run a lie detector test, have medical confirmation that she wasn't in a coma; she wanted some cold hard facts to prove that this was actually happening. "I love you, I've been in love with you for the last ten years."

"How do I know that you're serious Harvey? How do I know that this is not some ploy to get me back to Pearson Specter, or to get me back into your bed?" She pursed her lips as his expression fell, that was not the sort of reaction he was expecting, but then again, this was Donna.

He sighed, his shoulders slumping as he ran a hand through his disheveled hair "Because Donna" he started, squeezing the bridge of his nose "You're the first person I've ever muttered those three words to." It was true, he had never told anyone in his life that he loved them. At times, he thinks it's one of his biggest regrets in life, never telling his Dad that he loved him to his face, even though he knew he did, but the words had always felt so forced, until now.

She opened and closed her mouth, her mind working harder than it ever had, trying to process his statement, unable to wrap her head around it "What?"

"You know I don't do emotions Donna. I am emotionally stunted. When God created this perfect specimen" he said referring to himself, a small smirk playing on his lips "He obviously favored my devilishly handsome looks and outrageous ability to close a case over having the capability to express emotion."

She tried to hide the smile that was creeping onto her face, determined to keep a stern expression.

"I have wasted so much time, caused you to cry so many unnecessary tears because I was too goddamn stubborn to put everything on the line and tell you how I felt."

She felt herself relax slightly, even if inside she was still on full blown 'freak out' mode "What is it you always tell people about taking risks?" she reminded him lightly.

Harvey rolled his eyes "You will live a dull and boring life if you never take risks"

"And?"

"You will never win big if you only look to minimize your losses" he sighed as he let go of her hands "can we save the lecture on how much of a hypocrite I am for later?" he asked promisingly, seeing the resistance in her expression beginning to crumble.

Her smile faltered as the weight of everything fell on her shoulders "What if this" she signaled between the two of them "doesn't work, what if you realize, this isn't what you want?"

"I have spent the last ten plus years realizing that this _is_ what i want, Donna. Life has no guarantees but I know that when I think about my future, the only constant, is you." Her chest tightened as she let the charade drop, unable to pretend to be angry at the lawyer any longer, her face breaking into a grin "You know... this is the part where you tell me you love me too"

"Hmmm" she pondered, letting her hands trail up his arms before finding their way to his neck "I don't know, there's something a lot more exciting about the chase"

"Donna" he warned, arching his eyebrow, too impatient for an answer to be teased, letting the blanket that was draped around his shoulders fall to the ground. He smirked as her eyes distinctively found their way to his exposed chest, her eyes narrowing as they glanced back up at the man.

"Cheap move, Specter." she tutted "we're having a serious and potentially life changing conversation and here you are playing dirty, using your abs as ammunition."

"Is it working?" he asked, leaning towards her, their noses practically touching.

She brushed her lips against his "I think you need to go to the gym a little more, you're loosing your touch." she lied running her fingers over the skin "It's a good thing i love you"

He didn't waste anymore time, as he pressed his lips against hers in a chaste but passionate kiss, unable to stop a smile from erupting on his face. "Really?" he had to ask, just in case he was in the early stages of multiple organ failure and he was going delusional.

"Really."

"So does this mean you'll come back to work?" he asked her, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear as she smiled.

She half shrugged in his embrace "Can I fire the temp? Oh and can I have my own office?" Secretly, none of it truly mattered to her, in her eyes; she had just won the lottery, although it would be a nice bonus.

He rolled his eyes "Yes and how about you just share my office, I'll put in a desk and whatever"

She fought the urge to exclaim 'really?!', surprised that Harvey would even consider allowing her into his personal space "I don't know, I don't think the office is big enough for you, me and your balls."

"What have I told you about talking about my balls?" he scrunched his face up

"Oops" she pursed her lips together, feigning innocence "I forgot how self conscious you get about your balls"

"Any other time I would call you a damn right liar, but I'm afraid of what the cold has done to me" he frowned feeling slightly worried, but mostly embarrassed.

"And here I was thinking that you were going to throw me over your shoulder, take me through that door" she pointed towards her bedroom "and prove me wrong."

Harvey Specter loved a challenge, but what he loved more was winning a challenge. He grabbed her by the waist, throwing her effortlessly over his shoulder, her long auburn hair tickling the skin on his exposed back. "Challenge accepted"

That night may as well have been their first time, all past encounters with one another impossible to compare to the way they felt now. Through the cries of pleasure and countless declarations of their love for one another they fell asleep in each others arms with the reassuring knowledge that after ten years of catching up with one another lies and secrets, that they were finally where they belong.

**So there you go, that was my one shot turned 3 part fic. Hope you liked it. Didn't really know how to end it, but whatever! show me the love.**

**Now for all of you who are cursing me out, wanting to see the final chapter of CTBOP and the next chapter of Maps, your wait is almost over. Both stories will be updated by tomorrow (Wednesday) evening, if you guys show me some love/check out my latest one shots/other stories. Mainly because i have no laptop and I'm writing all my updates on my Iphone and it's taking me ages/killing my soul hah.**


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